The word was out: “Did you hear…?” “I heard she was a freshman…” A new couple has just formed at Lynbrook. Interest in the lovebirds spike, and gossipers talk about how unexpected the pairing is. However, one question lingers: how old are they? While sometimes controversial, mixed-grade dating usually isn’t as toxic as rumors make it to be. Rather than point fingers and immediately view such relationships negatively, it is better to approach the concept with an open mind.

“We have to account for the fact that there’s just natural attraction, which doesn’t make logical sense sometimes,” school psychologist Brittany Stevens said. “That is something that doesn’t necessarily know an age.”

With high school dating comes unspoken rules. For example, if the grades are adjacent to each other, like a freshman and a sophomore, it is usually acceptable to date. The “divide age in half add 7” saying also allows for a two-year age gap. Generally, these standards provide guidelines for acceptable high school relationships, but can lead to negative misconceptions when interpreted differently. This is especially the case in California, which lacks formal Romeo and Juliet laws that legalize consensual sexual relationships between minors and young adults close in age.

“I think it’s mainly because there’s so much publicity of celebrities that date with large age gaps,” sophomore Lucina Huang said. “And since everybody’s on social media, they hear this idea, interpret it their own way and then incorporate it into their own thinking. So when it comes to judging age gap relationships, when they hear the words ‘age gap,’ they automatically associate it with something negative.”

It is true that relationships with age gaps can pose obstacles, as students’ maturity levels often differ. For example, freshmen are still under the jurisdiction of their parents and tend to have less experience taking on responsibility or major decisions. On the other hand, most seniors are close to being adults, often making them more self-sufficient. When combined, these factors could create gaps in judgement and risky grounds for a relationship. High school students are still developing and maturing emotionally, so a relationship spanning several grades should be approached carefully.

“They would have to be good at communicating,” Huang said. “They would have to talk everything out and maybe take extra caution compared to same-age couples when they’re trying to do something related to relationships, like hand-holding or going out on dates.”

This mix in priorities can make it difficult for students across grades and ages to find interests in common with one another. Though they may be able to bond over the same clubs or other activities, they often do not share classes. The natural lack of familiarity with those outside one’s own grade makes age gap relationships a boundary that most do not cross. According to a survey sent out to students and staff, 63% of respondents noted a preferred age gap of less than one year. 

“If you’re, for example, two grades apart, there’s a lot of difference in your life experiences,” junior Ian Chen said. “It’s hard to like someone romantically if your lives are so different, and if someone does, they have to be cautious about it.”

While not the case universally, age is often correlated with wisdom or experience. When these biases are present in a relationship with an age gap, the younger person’s opinions may be drowned out, causing a power imbalance. 

“There has to be a lot of introspection along the line of, ‘Is what I am giving to this relationship filling me back up, or am I feeling drained?’” Stevens said. “Really evaluate whether you’re still nurturing other relationships in your life with your family and friends.”

In spite of the possible drawbacks, those looking to pursue a genuine relationship can find ways to persevere, albeit with caution. Individuals who don’t mind dating outside their grade should carefully examine their preferences, and find someone who is comfortable reciprocating in such a relationship. These couples should also stress the importance of communication and recognizing each other’s intentions.

“Personally, I don’t think they should force it — if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out,” Chen said. “You should really like someone because of the things in common, and if you have lots of things in common with other people, it might work out better.”

It is important to be cautious of all scenarios and act accordingly. With an awareness of power imbalances and relationship preferences, such partnerships can proceed smoothly. The right people can turn high school sweethearts into two adults in a healthy relationship, laying the foundation for a lifelong connection.

“We shouldn’t date just by whether or not people are ‘thumbs up’ or ‘thumbs down,’ or have an acclaim or disdain for your relationship,” Stevens said. “But rather if you’re nurturing the other relationships in your life, with your family and friends, because it takes effort to date someone that’s a different age.”