When I look in the mirror, I see a girl with dark brown hair and eyes. Pretty normal, right? I’ve always felt a bit like the default character in a video game because of my ordinary appearance — still, I think of my identity as somewhat eclectic. I am an amalgamation of everything and everyone I’ve ever met. My race is a clear example of this: it is literally a mix.
I’ve now heard other opinions on what I look like (including East Asian, but also Mexican and Russian), but when I was younger, I hated looking mostly white. I had a friend who was also mixed and definitely looked more East Asian than me. Through passive-aggressive comments and backhanded compliments, she made sure I knew it. This, along with my predominantly Asian classmates and failure to speak an Asian language, created a big insecurity. I felt like I had to prove that I was mixed when people asked about my race. Even my Asian side, which I desperately wanted to embrace, was difficult to place.
I am half-white and half-Taiwanese. Many people automatically equate Taiwan with China because of the genocide of the aboriginal Taiwanese people and forced cultural adoption of Chinese customs, imposed by the Kuomintang. After growing up under KMT rule in the mid-20th century, my own grandmother didn’t want me to learn Taiwanese because she thought Mandarin would be more useful, widening the gap between me and my Taiwanese roots.
In middle school, people became increasingly and strangely fascinated by my race. Of the many conversations I’ve had, two still stand out. The first time, a classmate asked if I was “American.” Aren’t we all American? It felt like he was trying to use a euphemism for white, which seems to have a negative connotation at Lynbrook. The second time, a different classmate told me that he thought I was fully white, but he made sure to specify, “Not in an offensive way!”
By the time I got to high school, I realized through my family that everyone has identity struggles of their own, including my adopted father and immigrant mother. I also realized that I have built a Taiwanese identity through my grandparents: by eating their food, listening to their language and celebrating their holidays. I found other mixed friends who are comfortable with their identity, white side and all. Similarly, I found support from friends who, though not mixed themselves, understood what I was working through. These connections helped me to heal and realize that, though I don’t look exactly like my peers, I shouldn’t feel ashamed of my appearance, even if I feel like a non-player character. Besides, I get to experience two cultures rather than just one!
