Dear Irene (the GOAT),
Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I don’t have anyone to celebrate it with! All my friends are cuffed up, in talking stages and high-school-married. I’ve been single my entire life, and not in a good way! I long for boba dates at Tea Top, stargazing during Senior Sunset and secret hand-holding during English socratic seminars, just like they do in the movies. I need someone to put a ring on this finger fast!
So desperate I’m considering sending that risky text to that girl in my calculus class,
Forever Alone (please don’t expose me)
Dear Forever Alone,
Valentine’s Day was never really fun for us (singles). Sure, there’s Single’s Awareness Day (also known as SAD) and Galentines, but we (singles) never truly had a holiday to ourselves. Feb. 14 is often accompanied by sad sobbing into pillows and chocolate-binging accompanied by Laufey’s “Valentine.” Sound familiar?
I have a couple (Ha! get it?) tips to ensure your survival on Valentine’s Day as a single person. And yes, I’ll be using them too.
1. STAY AWAY from romantic-comedy novels and movies.
Peter Kavinsky isn’t real and neither is Heath Ledger singing “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” while sliding down a pole. They’re marketed specifically to feed your delusions.
Speaking of delusions…
2. If they wanted to, they would.
Imagine this: your crush turns their head around to look at your friend. But it’s so obvious that they want to stare at you for hours on end but are too shy to, thus pretending to stare at your friend instead. And they’re also wearing a brown shirt — brown, the color of your eyes! They’re definitely in love with you, and the next thing you know, you guys are getting married on the beach while your 15 future children look down at you from heaven.
If this sounds a lot like you, you may be suffering from “the delulu.” Once afflicted with the delulu, it might be over for you. Everything is a sign, from the temperature of the water during your chemistry lab to the 0.000001 milliseconds they took a glimpse of you while scratching their neck. Think about it — they even breathe the same air as you! But luckily, there’s a solution…
They’re probably not into you — an amazing, smart, kind person. And as the Yale Admissions podcast says, “Your loss, baby!”
The delulu often leads to a lack of rational thinking, or just a lack of thinking altogether (sound familiar?), and inevitable heartache. If they really liked you, they would just be as down bad, and it’s painfully obvious.
3. Don’t compare yourself to your friends.
In this day and age where not a single preschooler is unmarried, this comparison trap is easy to fall into. But you’re not alone. Although I can’t promise you (or myself) that you will find someone, being single is also a key part of the human experience, and it teaches you just as much as a relationship can.
If it helps, most relationships — especially in high school — don’t last long, averaging about a few months to a year. And that’s such a small fraction of your life! If you’re worried about missing out on the experience of teenage love, just know that you missed out on a preschool relationship as well. And you turned out fine! (Or did you?) Trust me, it doesn’t mean that much.
4. Love yourself.
As Justin Bieber said, “Baby you should go and love yourself.” And he seems like a credible source (at least more so than Wikipedia). Buy yourself some flowers (thanks Miley Cyrus) and write yourself a love letter. Baby you deserve it! 😉
5. Watch 500 Days of Summer (or LaLa Land or Eternal Sunshine or The Notebook…)
This movie changed me as a person, and I can testify. I won’t spoil it for you, but “this is a story of boy meets girl, but you should know up front, this is not a love story.” Afterwards, it will lead to a profound sense of emptiness. You might also become a Smiths fan.
Warning: it might do the job a little too well.
“AND IF A DOUBLE DECKER BUS CRASHES INTO US…”
6. Don’t try to break up the couples.
In the heat of jealousy, you may feel tempted to walk up to a happy couple and ask the guy: “Oh pookie, a different girl today” and walk away like a champ. Although Instagram reels advocates for this method, Valentine’s Day is all about sharing happiness and love. Taking it away from couples won’t add to your own. In the meantime, share your love with friends and family.
7. Celebrate it with your friends!
Remember, in elementary school, everyone was required to give out a Valentine to each of their lovely classmates. Taking home 32 pieces of candy, Valentine’s Day used to be my favorite holiday. I would open them up one by one, finding little delights in each one. My personal favorite was the fun dip that turned your tongue green.
Entering middle school, I was appalled that on Feb. 14, we resumed classes with not a single chocolate kiss in sight! There were no parties, no celebrations and only the middle school couples (a whole ‘nother breed) were the ones that remotely received something.
Recreate this tradition with your friends, family and loved ones! Even if they’re in relationships, they still have lots of love left to share!
8. You know what? Send that risky text!
I mean, the worst they could say is no, right??
Thank me later,
The GOAT (Coaches don’t play)
