Springtime. An ethereal time of the year when the earth awakes from its slightly chilly slumber, flowers decide to puke pollen into the air and baby bunnies are born, I guess.

If my intro hasn’t hinted at it enough already, I’m not a huge fan of spring for several reasons. First, I have an immune system weaker than that of a goldfish. Thus, I greet sunny spring mornings with congestion and bloodshot eyes, with allergy medication making my head feel even stuffier than before I took it. Sweating is also an issue, mostly because I strongly dislike the feeling it gives me. Thanks to what I learned in my biology classes (shout out to Mr. Pallone and Ms. Della Santina), I now know that sweat plays a major role in cooling down the body. Yet, I’d rather feel hot than having to pry my legs off the car seat every time my sweat glues me down to the seat. I also have a tendency to fry before I tan, so I spend most of my time hiding from the giant death ray in the sky, while my melanin levels adjust just enough for me to exit my house without disintegrating.

That’s not to say that spring is entirely awful. The season has a few redeeming qualities such as several extended weekends and breaks, and I suppose the warmer weather makes it easier to justify the exorbitant amounts of boba tea I intake. And, we all know that with warm weather also comes the birth of baby animals. While most people may find joy in the sudden influx of fluffy and feathered creatures, they tend to forget that with spring also comes the spawn of less desirable creatures, like bugs…mainly bugs. The few times I end up actually stepping outside, I would prefer not to be rewarded with a giant cloud of gnats in my face.

Being the good AP Literature student I am (wink wink Ms. McCown), I understand how spring is symbolic of new beginnings, or at least that’s what it’s supposed to symbolize. If I’m being true to the pessimist within me, though, I don’t quite buy into the capitalistic pandering that attempts to sell the message of new beginnings through the need of celebrating various spring “holidays.” Valentine’s Day only reminds me of how single I am; I don’t think anyone truly celebrates St. Patrick’s Day as the anniversary of an Irish saint’s death; and I can’t be bothered to understand how rabbits, painted eggs and chocolate are related to the resurrection of Jesus on Easter’s Day.

I can only conclude that capitalists have decided to exploit our need for some entertainment during this fairly dull time of year by tricking us into spending money on overpriced decor and themed treats and candy every month until summer vacation and frankly, they don’t even do it that well.

Think about it. If you truly wanted to make money, why not exploit all the other holidays: Pi day, Purple Heart Day, heck, throw in all the state birthday’s and you’ve got a full set of 50 more holidays to make bank on throughout the year. Even better, cash out on selling experimentational fitness packages like underwater pole dancing or puppy yoga following the indulgence that often accompanies holiday celebrations. Just throwing an idea out there for the entrepreneurs looking to make some quick cash.

In the end, spring has its ups and downs. It just so happens that spring mostly has downsides for me, to which I say…

Oh Whale!